Crocs are NEVER acceptable

Does this really have to be said? What was once a concept for a boat shoe has, in past few years, exploded as a trend among the mis-informed, non-thinking and sartorially challenged. Right...The wearers defend the plastic shoe-cloglike object as comfortable and go so far as to categorize them as acceptable footwear. Lovers enjoy the "fun" color combinations and jazzy designs of their own as well as the Crocs of others. I just as quickly defend my right to not have to be subjected to the most tragic creation in fashion in the last 10 years. Plastic shoes may be comfortable, but they're disgustingly tacky for those above the age of six. Even on children, it's questionable. Why? They're plastic shoes with holes. They have the most unflattering shape for any human. They add nothing, stylistically, to an ensemble and detract enormously. I've seen some relatively civilized-looking people and then, boom, Crocs. It's as though they just stopped thinking. We never want to stop thinking when we dress in the morning.  Another issue is that plastic cheapens any look. A tax-paying adult really has no business wearing candy-colored, rounded toe, abominations to style trademarked as Crocs. There's value in natural fibers. They're breathable (so are Crocs, but they're damn ugly) as stylish.

I'm wearing a sort of brandy shade bit loafers right now and they're as comfortable as any sneaker I own. They're also infinitely more stylish than shoes with man-made materials. If comfort is the issue, there are stylish sneakers, loafers and tasteful sandals in shades outside of rainbow colors. These types of shoes look like a grown up should wear them.

Crocs are unacceptable on the following:

All breathing primates ( including homo sapien women, men, children. All races, incomes, faiths, sexual orientations, drivers of VW Beetles or Ford F-150 Trucks, fans of Jeff Foxworthy or Katt Williams, supporters of Rihanna or Chris Brown and even Sarah Palin believers.

The footwear is unacceptable at times including, 12:00 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. Sunday through Saturday, 1 January 2003 through 31 December 3003.

The footwear may not be worn at any and all events requiring one's heart to beat. The footwear is banned from contests and all sporting events, excluding jousting and quail hunting with Richard Cheney.

Should you see any walking, breathing primate with the detested footwear, stop them, find a stick, remove the shoes with the stick, throw the shoes into the nearest trash receptacle, begin whistling "I Wish I Was in Dixie," continue walking.

Whew!